:::mandy dawson:::

OCTOBER 2007

Dear Friends, 

I am writing to share with you some of my experiences throughout the past year. What I have learned has come during times of much heartache, trial and hardship. Each of you have loved and supported me through our encounters, and I also write with thanksgiving for you and your support. I hope my testimonies included here and the songs I have written will minister to you, as well.

We embarked on the journey to conceive our first child last year. It was with great joy that we found out I was pregnant in December. What a Christmas we had with our families as we celebrated the good news. Early on, I experienced a few complications, which caused much concern, including the news that we had a vanishing twin, a second baby that did not grow enough to ever have a heartbeat. It was so much to take in, but at each ultrasound that followed, we saw our baby growing and heart beating away. Sadly, the baby’s heart stopped beating one day around 14 weeks. I had a home Doppler and spent the entire day searching for the heartbeat. The next day, I drove to the OBs office for a heartbeat check. In the 20 minutes that it took me to drive to that office, my spirit rose up in singing to the Lord a new song. Even, now, I am astounded at how the Lord broke into my car with singing of a song that focused my heart on Him. I scribbled the words down in the back of my calendar--barely legible. As I drove, I sang and sang. As I walked into the office, I sang and sang. As I sat in the waiting room, I sang and sang--this song was continually in my heart and quietly on my lips (in the waiting room)--even as I sat in the exam room waiting, my heart was filled with the words and melody of this song. It was only a few minutes later that the ultrasound confirmed our baby had lost his heartbeat.

I couldn't understand why God would give me such a song on the day of suffering. I thought because He had given me that song that everything was going to be okay. I thought it was a song for a time of rejoicing. It wasn't until a few days later that I realized God imparted to me the song to comfort and equip me in my time of sorrow. He knew my heart would be faced with a decision to continue believing the words that I sing. I was aware of the crossroads in front of me. Mandy, will you continue to believe all of the words you have spoken about Me? Will you continue to sing? Will you know that I am always good? Will you run to Me and not away? Who do you say, this day that I am? Am I still your God? Am I still the One your heart longs for? Will you love Me despite your pain? Will you seek Me despite your suffering? Will you tell of My ways with thanksgiving in your heart? Will you love Me with all your heart, soul and mind? And my heart cried, “Yes, God. Yes. You are who You say You are. You are Faithful, Just and True. It was not your will that our baby died, and yet I will say of You-though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”

I’ve included a copy of the song, My Faith; My Hope is in You. This song continues to minister strength and healing to me. It is the cry of my heart, even in the darkest hour.

After seeing a fertility specialist, we conceived, again in July. I found out the day before traveling to Nashville for The Call. I couldn’t help but think of how special it was for our unborn child to be with me at such a gathering. I had contended for God to fill me with peace and joy that I would not be afraid because of our previous miscarriage. I enjoyed the first few weeks, but at our first ultrasound, the baby was measuring behind. A few weeks later, we found that our third baby had died. Because I was only 8 weeks pregnant, I opted to wait for a natural miscarriage and embarked on the hardest 4 weeks of my life as I waited. The agony of carrying a dead child in your body is inexpressible. After four weeks of waiting, it became medically necessary for me to have another surgery. I was so upset. During the first surgery, when I began to wake up, I experienced the trauma of waking to a sobbing body while at the same time not knowing what had happened or even remembering who I was. When it all came flooding back, I sobbed and sobbed knowing our baby was no longer in my body. I did not want to have this experience, again. It was so traumatic.

I shared my previous with the anesthesiologist, and he said he would do his best for that to not occur, again. Amazingly, I had a tremendous experience. As I went under, I felt peace come over me. As I woke up, I knew I had been singing--my spirit had been singing the song I Love Your Presence by Darren Clarke. It was as if I had spent the entire time singing this song to the Lord, and I was aware of His presence with me, and felt total peace. When I could open my eyes and hear around me, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened.

Since that time, I have been experiencing God’s healing touch in waves over my emotions. Each time I encounter His presence, His love washes over my heart. It is miraculous that He can heal us from our pain, sorrows and deep wounds. For, surely He bore it all for us in His own body. A few weeks ago at City House of Prayer, we began singing from Isaiah 58:11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Also, Jeremiah 31:12 Therefore they shall come and sing in the height of Zion, Streaming to the goodness of the LORD—For wheat and new wine and oil, For the young of the flock and the herd; Their souls shall be like a well-watered garden, and they shall sorrow no more at all.

I was struck by the truth that I will sing in the height of Zion and stream to the goodness of the Lord and He will heal my soul (mind, will, emotions) and it shall be like a well watered garden. In this garden of my soul where the river of God is flowing, fruit of the Spirit will spring forth and I will be filled with love, joy, peace, longsuffering, goodness, patience, hope, faith. I will sorrow no more, as I will have known the grace, glory and goodness of God. This is the ransom Jesus has made for me. Without His redemption, my grief and sorrow would be mine to bear, and that I could not endure.

And so, here we are one year later having experienced so much pain and heartache and no closer to having a child in our arms. It seems so bleak, but Jesus, the Great Redeemer is redeeming all that we have lost and giving us beauty for ashes. We do not believe it was or is God’s will for us to experience miscarriage. We believe He is the great Life Giver and Preserver whose will is always life. So, we press in even more into His love, His truth, and His Word. We pay our vows to Almighty God, the Holy One of Israel saying He is always good; always God and that His goodness has not and will not fail us. We declare that He is faithful and His mercy and love endure forever. His promises to us have not died. They are from everlasting to everlasting. We continue to pray and place our faith and hope in Him alone for without Him, we would have no hope. We thank God that He gives us hope for the future; hope to carry on. Like Abraham, we will continue to believe in hope until the promise is fulfilled.

Thank you again for your friendship and support. I hope my testimony is encouraging to you and brings even an impartation of healing to your life. I pray that you and your family are filled with wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus that you would know the limitlessness of His love and be strengthened by His grace and mercy.

With much love,

Mandy Dawson